Olivia Judson's A Long, Melancholy Roar.

OK (adjective) means that a person is in a satisfactory physical or mental state; originated from the word orl korrect.

Kadang-kadang gue tidak bisa menyangkali kalau pernah lebih dari sekali gue berpikir untuk... mengakhiri hidup. Ha ha ha. Yes I'm biting my finger nails while thinking about this post a few minutes ago. I bite my nails when I'm nervous or when I know my thoughts are getting the better of me. Fighting my thoughts are harder than fighting with thugs. Kalau melawan orang dengan fisik, kesakitan akan menyadarkan tubuh ini. Kalau memang tidak mau sakit, tinggal jalan saja menjauh dari orang yang di permasalahkan. Pindah kota, pindah rumah, pindah sekolah. But when you're fighting with your own thoughts... Kalau musuh terbesarmu adalah pikiranmu sendiri, there is no telling where or when you can stop.

Beberapa hari ini sering orang bertanya, "Are you OK?" Dan setiap saat gue akan selalu berkata, "Iya lah. Of course I'm fine. Why should I not be?" Jawaban standard. Jawaban yang gue program sendiri ke otak gue. Jawaban yang kadang-kadang gue lontarkan to make everything seem OK. Orl korrect. All correct. Gue ga bohong waktu gue bilang kalau hidup gue ga bermasalah karena biarpun ada masalah, I have to be OK.

When I think I am not fine, which is... right now, tiba-tiba gue ingat dulu gue pernah menulis sesuatu tentang suicide, suatu tindakan dimana seseorang mengambil nyawanya sendiri. And I found it. Ini tulisan yang gue post di tahun 2009, a tough year, or I thought it was. Gue baca kembali tulisan yang gue tulis 3 tahun yang lalu... My life then is NOWHERE near to what I define as tough now. Masalah hidup gue di tahun 2009 tidak ada bandingannya daripada masalah hidup gue sekarang di tahun 2011. Dan look where I am now: living a life tougher than 2009.

Setelah di pikir-pikir, hidup memang begitu bukan? Sama seperti seorang pendaki. Semakin tinggi ia menanjak, makin tipis oksigen yang ia hirup. Semakin terjal tanah yang ia daki tetapi semakin indah pemandangan yang ia lihat. Memang manusia tidak harus kuat setiap saat, tidak selalu kuat setiap saat juga. Di tahun 2009 I told myself to never assume that everybody is a 100% all the time. You don't know what is going on in their mind at that particular time. Gue lupa hal ini dan hari ini gue teringat lagi bahwa hidup itu tidak mudah. Yeah sure. Sometimes you laugh. Sometimes you're happy. Sometimes you think that life would always be beautiful but then there are times that you realize that all these do not happen all the time. Hal yang sama juga harus di tancapkan bahwa hidup itu memang susah... Tapi tidak selamanya. If you're going through hell, keep going. Ga ada guarantee kalau hidup akan menjadi lebih mudah tapi anda akan melihat bahwa eventhough life's tough, you have gotten tougher. Dan jujur saja, that thought alone makes you the toughest person you can ever be.

I'm glad I wrote what I wrote in 2009. Dari situ gue bisa lihat bahwa life is progressing... Nobody said anything about life getting easier. Hidup tidak lebih mudah tapi sebagai seorang pribadi anda pasti menjadi lebih kuat. Trust me. Look back. Look back at the things that you went through. You survived. So hold on tight. Hold on tight to life. You are only given one. Don't end it now.

Ini tulisan yang gue post di tahun 2009. This was inspired by Olivia Judson's A Long, Melancholy Roar. I quoted a part of it. If you want to read the full article, click on the name of the article down below.
"But here’s the thing. Today, in many parts of the world, the human being most likely to cause your violent death is: you.

Yes. You are the person most likely to kill yourself violently and on purpose. Suicide rates have risen dramatically over the past 50 years. Worldwide, deaths from suicide now outnumber deaths from war and homicide together: the World Health Organization estimates that each year around one million people — predominantly men — kill themselves. The true number is probably higher, because for many countries there is no data. In some countries, suicide is now among the top ten causes of death. For the young, worldwide, it’s in the top five.

A huge effort has rightly been devoted to trying to understand the particular causes of suicide in different places — unemployment, drug addiction, relationship breakdown, intelligence, predisposing genes, what your mother ate while you were in the womb and so on.

But here’s another way to look at it. No other animal does this. Chimpanzees don’t hang themselves from trees, slit their wrists, set themselves alight, or otherwise destroy themselves. Suicide is an essentially human behavior. And it has reached unprecedented levels, especially among the young.

I’m not sure what this means. But it has made me think. We live in a way that no other animal has ever lived: our lifestyle is unprecedented in the history of the planet. Often, we like to congratulate ourselves on the cities we have built, the gadgets we can buy, the rockets we send to the moon. But perhaps we should not be so proud. Something about the way we live means that, for many of us, life comes to seem unbearable, a long, melancholy ache of despair."
A Long, Melancholy Roar, Olivia Judson. The New York Times.
I was sitting in class today when I stumbled through this article and remembered those days when problems would stream in and I'd scream and tell mum "JUST LET ME DIE! I'LL KILL MYSELF TONIGHT! I CAN'T STAND THIS, I JUST CAN'T!" Indeed, I had those days where I wished I was better dead than alive.

No, I wasn't exactly "emo" as tweens and teenyboppers alike would probably label the scene above as but I was very much aware of the pressure of the world, well, school particularly. There was a call for perfection, immaculate behavior, and picture perfect image. Something I pant and groan to keep up with. I stumbled a couple of times and apparently the fall was hard. I had to bear responsibilities that other teenagers would not have to go through in such an early stage of life.

I'm not complaining but it's a tough world. You can't really blame me to entertain that thought once in a while. But then I'd usually shrug it off as soon as possible knowing that... the world would not be the same without me. If I do kill myself, then, well, other people would have to clean my mess and what fun does that do to you? NOTHING because I am dead and nowhere to be found. No fun, yea?

I can't help but giggle while reading this. Satu-satunya faktor yang bisa membuat hidup gue indah atau hidup gue neraka adalah gue sendiri. Gue dan otak gue yang agak sedikit korslet ini. But I like this mess, my brain, I mean. Cukup disini saja sepertinya perbincangan ini. Entry ini berantakan tapi I'm pretty sure one of these days I'll look back to read this post and go, "See... Went through 2011. That was a tough year but I'm tougher."

Oh satu lagi. Jangan pikir bahwa hidup atau mati anda depends on your friends. Berdiri lah sendiri. Kuat lah untuk dirimu sendiri. Jangan bersandar dengan orang lain. It just doesn't work that way. Disandari orang lain tidak apa-apa. Akan ada point di dalam hidup when you realize that being the strong one makes you strong. Ini makin menjadi tulisan yang rumit. Let me stop here.

But trust me, anda kuat. Saya juga.

Athalia Karima Yedida Soemarko.

Bahagia... Karena Cinta.

Tidak ada yang lebih indah dari pada bahagia yang di karenakan oleh cinta.

Random ya? Sudah tiga hari berturut-turut gue tidur di atas jam 6 pagi. Duduk termenung melihat prosesi anggun dari malam yang gelap sampai matahari terbit dengan terang. Pikiran penuh bercampur aduk. Banyak yang harus di selesaikan, sedikit waktu yang di berikan. Tapi ya mau bilang apa? Itu prinsip hidup. Banyak yang kita rencanakan, waktu yang kita punya... Siapa yang tahu? Hari ini kita ada, besok... No one knows.

Beberapa hari ini gue melihat di sekeliling gue ada yang sedang jatuh cinta. Hidup mereka mendadak bahagia. Mendadak. It was as unprecedented as rain in the Sahara. Langit sepertinya menjadi lebih biru, alam terlihat sepuluh kali lebih rupawan, matahari, bulan, dan bintang sepertinya di ciptakan untuk mereka berdua.

Ah, Cinta, seandainya kamu indah selamanya... Hidup ini akan beribu-ribu kali lebih mudah.

Entry ini bikin gue geli sendiri but I just feel like putting this thought out there. For somebody to read. Anybody, really.

Berbahagialah selamanya,
Athalia Karima Yedida Soemarko.