Currently under pressure of final exams. The mbak mbak SPG are watching TV and it's bothering the heck out of me but I don't speak up, never do. There's always this little space within my head where I keep a certain belief that people do posses common sense to know that they are making other people uncomfortable and would act out accordingly. But apparently uneducated people do not use this sense and thus act as wild as they wish.
Anyway, my mind is currently hay-wired due to some personal issues that I would have to face alone. It's eating away every bit of energy within me and I am currently beyond the point of being fatigued. I had my nap but I can tell that my world is sparkly. It's not supposed to be sparkly, it's supposed to be sharp and focused. I hate this feeling. To be honest, I sometimes hate the fact that I have feelings. Feelings fluctuates, more than anything else in life. Scientifically, I'd blame it on the hormones but from what I know, I should be the one controlling those hormones. Thus it can be said that the feelings should not control me, I should control the feelings. Hay-wired... Can't you tell?
After a few minutes of assesment, here's what I came up with: I was born and raised as a first born in a family with two children. My childhood was smooth sailing and everything went perfect. I cannot recall glitches of unhappiness between my parents. Everything is perfect. My little sister was born when I was five years old and she was a little bundle of perfect cuteness. Academic life was never that big of an obstacle. It was, well, perfect. Socially, I was friend with the friendless and friends of eveybody's friend. How is that possible? I do not know but people said that it was perfect.
Notice the word that kept on surfacing in every sentence: perfection. Perfection has been in demand in my life for the past nineteen years. It's been almost one-fifth of a century. I have always been demanded to live the idealistic life where mistakes are to be avoided at possible moment. I don't mind but sometimes it makes me wonder... Why me? Other kids are free to make their mistakes and gamble with decisions. I got to think ten steps ahead before making any decisions and measure the social, physiological, emotional, physical damage that it will cause. It gets soooooo frustrating sometimes. Yet due to my graceful upbringing, I cannot lash out emotionally or verbally. Things are to be kept inside my own head and one way or another I should find a way to blow off the steam.
Currently, the only way to blow off steam is by typing this entry. I do not know what else to do, I have nobody to turn to, and this thing I'm facing is just too menial to be talked about to the world. I am not the center of the universe. When my problem comes, bear in mind that other people got their own problems too. Curhat tidak selalu menyelesaikan masalah kadang kadang malah menambah masalah. Opini berbaur dengan emosi bisa menyebabkan munculnya persepsi baru yang, jujur, bikin tambah pusing. Jadi kadang lebih baik untuk diam dan berpikir. Like what I'm doing right now.
Pada akhirnya ya begini... Duduk diam di depan computer dan cuma bisa tune-in ke satu jalan pikiran: semua pasti ada baiknya. Seburuk-buruknya situasi, pasti ada hal baik yang bisa di ambil, di kunyah, di telan, dan di ambil vitaminnya untuk membuat pikiran dan batin lebih kuat. Kalau mau diambil baiknya, dituntut untuk menjadi sempurna itu adalah faktor pendorong terbesar untuk melakukan segala sesuatunya dengan luar biasa. Luar biasa capek, luar biasa tertekan, tetapi hasilnya juga di luar kemampuan orang biasa. Siapa yang ga mau jadi orang yang luar biasa? Semua pasti mau tapi sedikit yang bisa bayar harganya. Ga ada yang tau apa nanti akhirnya everything's worth while but kadang it's good to gamble. Throw the dice on life's table and you'll see where it'll take you. You got to dare to try and pay the price.
Athalia Karima Yedida Soemarko.